hoooooooooooly shit my throat is killing me

omg i had a ridiculously stupid night. okay so it started with matriculation which was just a bottle fest of free wine. deliciously free wine. it started off with a reception with free glasses of wine. no pennying happened but i definitely downed three glasses before the wine ran out. and it tasted like peach flavored water - it was that smooth and delicious. For matriculation, we were wearing smart clothing, which means suit and tie, and a robe over it. And we had to sign our names in this book which basically means we join the college officially. After that little technicality, we had a post-signing reception with our tutors, who are basically in charge of our well being. Basically, Cambridge makes sure the students are happy with this one person who's in charge of keeping you happy. It's great. So he served us even more bottles of wine. And I was definitely pennied, so by the end of the reception, I was almost done with my second bottle of wine. FOR FREE!!!

Okay, so post reception, we had a 5- course meal at Sidney Sussex's dining hall, with complementary wine. And once we got to the red wine, they just kept refilling. I'm not sure how much wine I had... but it was a lot. Anyway, after dinner, I headed over to the Emmanual bar with Alex Beyer and TJ Price. They were doing karaoke + drinking over there, except the English suck at singing. So all they did was choose songs like "In the Navy", start stripping and swung their shirts around. I'm sure Rob would have appreciated it. Okay, but people were being lame tonight and staying in. Cai was sick and Alex was getting sick, so they stayed in. And everyone else was staying in. And all of the freshers were doing college events. So I went to Wetherspoons to meet up with Alice Li, who I found out was Victor's ex. Anyway, many beers later (mainly Newcastle and Foster's), we were trying to decide who was the cutest british girl on the dance floor except they were all fucking so prude, so we just left. And I walked Alice back to Peterhouse while TJ went home. And that's when the crazy shit happened.

So after chilling at Peterhouse, another one of the colleges, I left to go home. This was around 1 am, about 5 hours since I started drinking. Except I leave and realize, I have no idea where the fuck I am. Grass is everywhere, there's a gate... slash multiple gates with keyholes and I don't have any keys. So I try calling Alice back to show me out but she doesn't pick up. And I try calling various other people but no go; I was on my own...

So the first thing I do is try to jump over the fence. And I'm wearing my new chucks, with almost no gripping tension, and as I'm about to hop over, a light comes on and I see I'm actually jumping over a fence into a bike rack area. But the sudden turning on of the light makes me fall as I'm swinging my leg over and one of the fence spikes cuts through my butt pocket, nearly missing the not so money spot. That was horrifying. So anyway, I'm licking my wounds and heading back to where I came from, to figure out how to get out. After like 10 minutes. this random group of freshman girls pops out the window and I call out to them and ask them to help me out. They're trashed out of their minds but they agree to help. So I go into their room and they have 6 bottles of absinthe ready to go. And then they tell me they'll only help me if I drink absinthe with them so I'm like... "okay.... if I can get home eventually." So we fucking BOAT race that shit. It's me versus the two of them. We each have to take 5 shots of absinthe, un-prepared, and whoever finished first wins. So I pour all of the shots into one cup and start chugging, and the other girls just sip at the absinthe. So that fucked up me.

But after that, they finally took me through the first two gates, but not the third. The third gate is the main gate and it's also locked from the inside. So I had to climb up the concrete wall, and try to balance myself on top of the gate before I jumped off. But then the porter came and starting yelling at me!!! So I jumped and bolted for like 5 minutes. And THEN I saw this woman (homeless looking) who was like "Do you speak English? Do you speak English?" And after a few of these, I scream, "Yes, I speak English. Better than you!" But after that she explained she was missing her coat and a homeless guy stole it. So I spent like 20 minutes tracking this guy down when we finally saw him in the street, cuddling a small cardigan. Apparently, that was the "coat." So I stepped over him, almost straddling him, and gently tugged the cardigan away from him. So the coat was saved! But the homeless man was still homeless =(

Anyway, I'm mo tired so I'm going to sleep now. But I skipped over a lot of minor details. Inquiries welcome.

EDIT: Okay, so this might have been a hallucination but between the 2nd and 3rd gates, there might have been a marble staircase that led me down to an underground tunnel system which led me across the street to a separate gate where I actually hopped out. Now, at the time it seemed reasonable since Emma has one of these things... but it also might have been a dream...